This week It’s Always Funny in Salt Lake City interviews the fat waste of space that is Christopher James.  He is quite possible the most lovable unfunny person in the scene.  If I could compare his comedy to something, it would be getting all my teeth pulled out without any Novocain.

Besides talking about his impending suicide and quitting comedy, we talk about his love for the scene and his hatred for me.

Check him out on Saturday when he puts on his own roast.  Where he will be insulted much more than I did during this interview.

Describe yourself in 10 words or less?

A fat, funny comic with the looks of John Candy.

If you had to compare yourself to a serial killer, who would it be and why? 

Hannibal Lector. I feel I have a quick wit that is used best when fucking with Jodie Foster.

When do you anticipate becoming one yourself?

I don’t want to outshine Nicholas Don Smith when the demons control him and he kills us all. So sometime shortly after that.

comicconYou don’t have your driver’s license and never have, that’s pathetic. Please give a feasible reason why? 

It’s a long story. Let’s just say it was for a noble reason. Now I’m an adult who has a full time job and dedicate my free time…….so now it’s just laziness. I’ll get there. I do enjoy the bus, or what I like to call “Wal-Mart on wheels”.

What does it feel like to be a virgin at your age?

Is that like asking you what it’s like to be a bi sexual albino? Wouldn’t know. I’ve had sex with quite a bit of ladies. Most have been from the internet or pitty sex, but a man can get what he can.

What got you started in stand up comedy?

I have always enjoyed making people laugh. I wondered what path I would take and how to do something with it. I took my first steps a few weeks after my 20th birthday at a Wiseguys open mic. My good buddy and one of my roasters for on Aug 2nd, Jose Bacio was the emcee that night. It was shortly after that I met my roast masters Kevin Gillingham and Mike M and started doing shows with them.

Why did you stop? When will you save us all again and stop again?

I can’t stop!! I mad with comedic power!! I stopped when I was 22 and tried to peruse film making. Once that clearly didn’t work out, I got my confidence back and started planned my comeback. Last year I came back full force and will be sad to say that I won’t be stopping again.

cjames5Who are your biggest inspirations in comedy? 

Louis CK, Orny Adams, Dane Cook, Pete Holmes, TJ Miller, Dave Chappelle, Robin Williams, Nick Swardson and Patton Oswalt. I must say you’re an inspiration too…….of how to not be a comic. Maybe how to dress like a child’s imaginary friend but not comedy.

How long have you been doing comedy?

Off and on for a few years.

Who has been the biggest help for you in your comedy career?

My biggest help is my friends and all the amazingly supportive people in the SLC comedy scene. I love the stand up comedy community in SLC I have amazing friends who really inspire me to be my best self on stage. The local comedians really are great here. We all are each other’s fans and biggest supporters. It’s the best community to be a part of, in my opinion.

What is your process for coming up with and writing new material besides joke books from Scholastic book orders and Laffy Taffy? 

In all fairness, Alex Velluto was the one who read Laffy Taffy jokes on stage. I merely ate them after he was done. Life is my biggest inspiration for writing jokes. I have a lot of random things that happen to me or things that I notice that I feel are oddly connected. If you don’t live life, you’re story will never get written.

What are your 2014 comedy goals if you don’t kill yourself before the end of the year?

I have a pre written suicide letter if my comedy roast does go too far. My goals are to continue hitting as many stages as I can, do comedy out of state (Vegas or California) and open for another famous comedian.

cjames3Besides being dead inside, what other hobbies do you have?

Well being dead inside does take a lot out of my day. When that isn’t distracting me I love seeing movies, writing screen plays, reading comic books and getting out of town when I can. I greatly enjoy traveling and there are some roads that I have yet to travel.

Who is the most disappointed in your life’s decisions? Your mom or Jesus?

Both. My mother now wishes she would of gone through with the abortion. Jesus looks down on me and just shakes his head saying “I can’t believe I died for assholes like you.” I tell him that I like his Birkenstocks and then we high five. We are good until I fuck up again.

Who do you think will succeed in burning the most at your roast?

That’s a tough one. There are so much hateful and angry fucks on my roast. In all honesty, I could see Nicholas Don Smith and Kevin Gillingham tying for first, then fighting to the death to see who will be the victor. There are a lot of great comedians on the show so I think all will make me feel even more like a pitiful human being.

What is your biggest highlight beside you finally being able to pass a bowel movement?

So far it is a tie between opening for one of my favorite comedians, Orny Adams and doing the I Am Salt Lake podcast. I had an awesome time chatting with Chris Holifield on the show and after.

cjames6How is your podcast coming along? (imagine I am saying this in Stewie’s voice from Family Guy)

It’s slowly getting there. One piece at a time. How about yours? I know you get distracted by collecting an odd assortment of bow ties and modeling them in a full length mirror while being naked “Buffalo Bill” style.  My podcast is something I very much want to happen and won’t stop tell I get it started.

ornyWhat was it like performing for one of your favorite comedian, Orny Adams? What advice did give you besides quitting?

He told me to never trust a smug, fair skinned asshole in glasses who wears bow ties. It was an amazing night. I was really nervous before that show. I had the chance to meet and have drinks with him last time he was in town so I wasn’t nervous seeing him. I was just nervous about doing a great opening set for him. Thankfully I rocked it. I got a nice applause break in the first couple of minutes of my set. It felt like a proud moment for me. I respect Orny because he truly is one of the hardest working comedians out there. It’s that determination and drive that really inspires me to keep at it. He is hilarious, on stage and off. He truly appreciates his fans and comedians who are going for it.

What was one joke that you have told that has stood out the most? (and by stood out, I mean didn’t have stone cold silence, maybe someone coughed)

One joke that has stood out is the one I did opening for Orny. I joked about how I like to consider myself a ladies man, which I get is hard to believe because I look like a chubby lesbian. That’s usually where the cough comes in. I think it’s there when the crickets chirp, that the pitty sinks in and they clap and chuckle.

What do you think of the Utah Comedy Scene? How would it be better without you?

It can’t be. I am the fat “Rudy” underdog that people are cheering for…….I think. I love the local scene. I have met so many amazing local comedians, shared great times with them and learn from them. The comics here are the most supportive than anywhere, I’m sure. The local comedians what there peers to succeed, not be step on while they scheme their way to the top. I lol forward to every open mic and show I go to. It always feels like a bunch of friends fucking around and making each other laugh. A lot of these comics are some of the best friends a pitiful, chubby shlub like me could have. I am truly grateful for the local comedy scene in SLC.

Where do you see it in 5 years?

If I haven’t died from a heart attack or stabbed from a creepy vagrant on the bus, I see it growing to be one of the biggest comedy spots in the USA. People under estimate the talent here. It’s going to be a force to be reckoned with. There are already amazingly talented comedians who are local or have been passing through.

What is the thing happening in the comedy scene that you are really excited about?

I am really excited about the comedy carnival. I sadly didn’t make it last year because of a shitty job I worked and regretted not going. Now that it is coming back, I am excited to see how much bigger it will be this year.

podcastWho is one local comedian that is blowing your mind right now and why?

Jay Whittaker has always been someone I have admired. The guy is unstoppable. He is hilarious on stage and a great guy off stage. It’s the balance between the stage and life that makes most people fall through the cracks. He has a great Jedi like balance with both. The guy does so much in comedy, podcasting and more that I don’t doubt that he will be a name that people will recognize way beyond SLC. He’s a supportive guy to a lot of local comedians big and small.

CJJRoast

What shows do you have coming up?

The biggest thing coming up is my comedy roast Aug 2nd at the fifth in Bountiful.  I have a line up of really amazing comics and friends (Kevin Gillingham, Mike M, Jose Bacio, Steffan Reed, Nicholas Don Smith, Melissa Merlot, Paul Duane, Marcus Whisler, Dustin Hagen and The Ghost of Jackson Banks) tearing my ass apart. I am so grateful to have true these guys who are wiling to take the time to tell me how much of an asshole I am and celebrate my birthday with me. I also have a show with the very funny Nicholas Don Smith, Michael Moon, Dustin Hagen and Jackson Banks happening Aug 21st

How can people connect with you? 

facebook.com/FatGuyPunchLine
Twitter: @fatguypunchline
Instagram:
ChristopherJamesComedy
It’s Always Funny bio: http://www.alwaysfunnyslc.com/bio/christopher-james/